Dear Dog-ter
I have some weird bumps on my dick that aren’t going away, but I’m a little nervous about getting tested. I’ve heard all kinds of horror stories about what they do to you — do they really stick a big Q-tip up your dick? Aren’t these STD tests painful? What am I getting myself into?
Nervous Nelly

Dear Nervous,
Everyone has heard horror stories about STD testing — of giant Q-tips that doctors and nurses wield with glee in their eyes. However, over my last 12 years as the Dog-ter, the STD Sexpert, huge strides have been made in patient comfort.

The most-asked question concerns the fearsome “swab.”

First, it is not the size of a Q-tip!
It is actually very small (about the size of a kite string — 1/16th of an inch), and only needs to be inserted about 1/8 of an inch into the urethra (pee hole). If you still have a phobia of anything that’s not human going near your penis, then you can do another type of test that is done on a urine (piss) sample. You will need to ask for it though. It is a little more expensive to run, and so not offered as the standard form of penile STD screening.

While penile swabbing can be avoided, this is not true for the throat and butt.
While many people have symptoms like burning or discharge, many folks will not have symptoms or have very mild symptoms that they don’t really notice (a herpes outbreak can some times feel like a pulled or ingrown hair). So, if you have oral sex and/or anal sex you should get your throat and butt swabbed.

Also, you should think about whether you want to get tested for HIV. Swabbing works for gonorrhea and chlamydia.

But the presence of herpes, syphilis, hepatitis A, B, and C, and HIV are all blood-based. However, only about 2 teaspoons of blood are needed.

If you are concerned about the clinician finding a vein, you can ask if they would be willing to let you help them. You can also go to a clinic that has a staff of more experienced clinicians like Spring Street Clinic on Capitol Hill. Also, your clinician should conduct a visual exam looking for rashes, sores, warts, or any other unusual symptoms that may lurk in hard to see places. A good clinician will be friendly and respectful, and respond to your needs.

You can just walk in between the hours of 7:30 am to 4:30pm, or call for an appointment at 731-3590.

Safely yours,
Dr.Dick

P.S. You should get vaccinated for Hepatitis A and B if you haven’t had them. Why not make a day of it and get this done too!

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