Dear Dog-ter,
Help! I’m at my wit’s end, and so I’m calling in a professional (that’s you, doc). My problem is crabs. About six weeks ago I tricked with this really hot guy. He fucked me for 4 hours (using condoms and plenty of lube, you’ll be happy to know), and left me his phone number so we could get together again.

Unfortunately, he also left me with a bad case of crab lice. Needless to say, I haven’t used the phone number. But I didn’t let it get me down. After all, crabs are easy to get rid of, right? “So no problem,” I thought, “I’ll just hop on down to the pharmacy and pick up some Rid.”

Well, to make a long story short, I used the Rid 4 times, but those pesky crabs JUST KEEP COMING BACK! I’ve showered and scrubbed so many times, I’m afraid of rubbing my skin raw. It’s driving me crazy! I can’t have sex without passing them on. I can’t seem to get rid of them. Not to mention the itching!! Please help me, doc. Do I have some sort of super mutant crabs, or am I doing something wrong? Sign me…
Itching to have sex again

Dear Itching,
Good news. Pediculis Pubis, also known as “crabs,” haven’t mutated into drug resistant super-crabs. It’s more likely that you’re missing a few of the little buggers, and all it takes is one fertile female, (and they are fertile practically from birth), and you are re-infected.

As you found out or knew, they prefer pubic hair, but as they multiply, they will spread to any hairy area. The upper legs, butt cheeks, and navel are favorite places. So make sure that you treat all hairy or fuzzy areas.

But killing the crabs on your body is only the first step. You also have to kill the ones that may have dropped off onto bedding, furniture, rugs and other surfaces. The beast can live up to 48 hours away from the host (that’s you).

To take care of that, just regular washing of bedding in hot water and soap will suffice. On chairs, couches and mattresses, use a vacuum to go around all seams and buttons. It wouldn’t hurt to spray a household cleaner (Formula 409, Pine Sol, etc.) before vacuuming. It will make you feel better and will smell good and clean.

If you’ve done all of this and you’re still finding LIVE crabs, bring yourself and any intimate friends to your local STD clinic. We will help you get rid of the critters once and for all.

Have a Happy and itch-free Valentines Day…
the Dog-ter

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